Updated: Jul 30
“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.” Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
Lee Minho’s POV - May 28, 2020
It’s nine o’clock in the morning and I’m in the van, eyes shut, head resting on the back of my passenger seat. Today is our last scheduled shoot and we’re minutes away from the filming site. My staff are sitting quietly behind me, I assume, because they think I’m taking a nap.
Hah! If they only knew all the dumb ideas running through my head. I’m sure they’d laugh or worse, they might try to help.
I don’t want help. And the last thing I need is for my staff to get in trouble.
I had two goals for today.
The first was to have a plan for when filming ends and that plan is already in motion. My other goal was to have some speech pieced together in advance so I’d know what to say to her at that special moment.
This one I’m still working on.
For some reason my mind goes blank when I try to think of what to say. I thought about it this morning in the shower and when I got into the van.
We’ve been filming together for eight months now and no matter what I do, my brain freezes when I picture telling her how I feel.
I’m not used to this.
We’re talking about me here, Lee Minho.
I’m aware of my appeal. I know women consider me handsome. Growing up close to my mother and older sister, I’ve learned when to tap into my sensitive side. Acting helps with that too. So, if you ask me if I’ve ever had a problem getting my feelings across especially to a girl I like, the answer is no.
Not until I met Kim Goeun.
It’s sort of fascinating in a way. She’s had such a huge effect on me ever since the day we met and I don’t think she’s even aware of it.
Beige hat, hair behind her ears, smiling eyes, and a lower lip begging to be kissed. That’s what she looked like when we first met. She looked so beautiful then and she’s even more beautiful to me now that I know her better.
I can’t stop thinking about her… her face… the way she laughs… how good it feels when I’m holding her hand…
I’m a crazy, love-sick bastard.
I rake my fingers through my hair and stare out the window, pursing my lips to hold back a goofy grin. As much as I’ve enjoyed this project, I’m glad it’s ending soon.
Filming has always been a thrill, a natural high. Even when the filming schedule is brutal like these past two weeks have been, I’m still glad to do it. The late nights and lack of sleep are all worth it once you see your work come to life onscreen. So it’s not the filming that’s the issue.
The problem is the constant waiting. It’s putting me on edge.
The longer time passes, the harder it is to reign in my feelings. Have people noticed have unfocussed I’ve been? I hope not. I’ve tried to stay as professional as possible under the circumstances.
Things were a lot easier in my twenties. If I wanted to say something, I did. If I wanted to date someone, I would. Now that I’m older, I can’t be that stupidly impulsive. Not that I wasn’t careful when I was younger, because I was. I’ve always been aware of who I am and the responsibilities that come along with my fame.
It’s only that I’m even more careful now. It’s her after all.
She’s a serious actress. Her dedication to her craft is one thing I admire about her. If I used work solely to pursue her and our drama suffered, I’m sure I’ll lose her respect. Not to mention that her guard is still up. I can tell she’s drawn to me. She even seems to like me back… but I don’t want to push too hard in case it scares her away.
For all those reasons, I decided early on that the best approach is a cautious one.
Watch, learn, plan, execute.
I tried to stick to that resolve as best I could, though admittedly, I did toe the line somewhat during filming. A finger caress here, a tighter hug there.
But no confessions.
That’s not to say that I haven’t come close to revealing my feelings.
I have. Twice.
The first time happened a month ago when we were filming the rescue scene in Busan. She and I were standing in the middle of the road, hugging, as our characters had just been reunited. The director and the audio-visual crew were busy preparing the next take so we had a few minutes to goof around.
Our arms let go of each other and I examined her dirt-smudged, bloodied face. Her character, Jeong Taeeul, had been fighting for her life so her hair and makeup reflected that struggle. She looked like such a mess and wasn’t remotely self-conscious of it. In fact, she was laughing the whole time and I just wanted to kiss her right then and there.
Before I realized what I was doing, I reached over to run my thumb across her cheek.
“Sometime later,” I said, hoping our sound mics weren’t recording. “We need to talk.”
“Talk about what?”
Her eyes widened at the word ‘us.’ “What do you mean?”
I didn’t get a chance to reply.
The director called us back to position and we continued to film. Neither of us mentioned the topic again. I considered bringing it up but I didn’t know what else to say and it felt like the wrong timing.
The second instance was during the night we filmed the beheading kiss scene.
That was… memorable.
The number of staff and crew were purposely kept at a minimum and those who were there stayed as quiet as possible. They did this to be considerate but the silence just heightened the tension.
We kissed several times.
I meant to hold back as much as I could without sacrificing the emotions between our characters. We needed to create a beautiful scene, but again, I didn’t want to use work as a means to take advantage of her.
I think I failed.
If I kissed her more intensely than I should have, or if I held her face too possessively… it’s because I lost control.
She tried to laugh off the tension between us during filming and even as we said goodbye later on, but I was in too deep. Even the best actors find it hard to detach themselves after an intimate scene. Imagine how much harder it is when you have genuine feelings for your co-star.
When we wrapped up filming and I got into my van, I reached for my phone.
Opening Kakaotalk, I typed a message.
Goeun-ah, I need to tell you something.
I held my breath as I waited. After a few beats, she sent me a reply.
Okay... what is it?
I like you. Will you go out with me? I think I'm falling for you.
A host of possible messages crossed my mind, but I went with the first thing I thought of.
Today was the first time I kissed you as myself. Not as Lee Gon.
Concerned that I was pressuring her somehow, I typed further.
You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know that. Sleep well, Kim Goeun.
I watched until my device displayed the messages as ‘read.’ Then I sighed and dragged my palm across my face.
Although I didn’t expect her to, she responded later that night.
My phone screen flashed to show a katalk notification.
Sleep well, Minho-oppa.
Oppa. She had never called me that before, despite all my coercing and teasing.
For obvious reasons, sleep eluded me that night. I was too busy staring at my ceiling, smiling and thinking about her.
The following day, we filmed together. I could sense that something had changed between us. Even when she reverted to calling me sunbae again, we were both aware that things were different. When I smiled at her, she would blush. Other times, I caught her sneaking glances at me when she thought I wasn’t looking.
It was a mutual understanding of sorts. It was 'some' (썸). But to pursue this further, we both knew without talking about it that filming needed to end first.
Some days it felt like the last day would never come. It was torture.
But here it is now.
Today’s the day, the last day of filming. Hopefully today would also be the start to something new.
What should I say to her? How can I convince her that I’m sincere about this?
To my relief, the van pulls to a stop in a parking lot and my manager’s loud voice interrupts my thoughts. “Our dear actor, we have arrived!”
The doors slide open and I step out of the vehicle, my staff following closely behind.
“Omo,” my hair stylist Seo Jini says with alarm, her eyes darting up to my head. “Did you mess with your hair in the car? You know how hard it is to get your fringe to stay properly, right?”
“We still have to fix your makeup,” Yoo Hyemi pipes in, holding up her make up case. “I heard Director Baek wants to film as soon as you’re ready.”
I grin sheepishly at both of them and surrender myself to the care and nagging of my staff. I’m grateful for the distraction.
I know I’ll find the right words eventually.
For now, we’ll film.
1) This is my first ever fanfic about real celebs LOL. I know there’s an entire collection of fics based on TKEM or about LMH/KGE but I just had to try my hand at it. It’s also my first time writing from a male-POV... I don’t know how successful it is. 😅
2) I planned this as a 3-part series. The second part will be in KGE’s POV and the third will be dual POVs.
3) Please let me know if you enjoyed this!